Comedian
Lexington High School, 2009
Eugene Mirman, a renowned comedian and actor, delivered a humorous and memorable commencement speech at Lexington High School in 2009. His speech likely combined wit and wisdom, providing an entertaining and thought-provoking experience for the graduating students.
10 top life lessons by Eugene Mirman
- Graduates, welcome to freedom from Knowledge-Prison as you embark on the next phase of life.
- Your new responsibility? Going to the bathroom whenever you want, a symbol of adulthood’s weight.
- With privileges like voting and starting a family, you’re now mature enough to face the world’s challenges.
- Apologies are offered for the challenges inherited from past generations, laced with humor and a call to fix societal issues.
- You, the graduates, are urged to take on the leadership responsibility, shaping America’s and the world’s future.
- The importance of perseverance and learning from failure is highlighted through a personal anecdote.
- Life tips include following meaningful dreams, practicing kindness, and embracing creativity during challenging times.
- Humor and unconventional advice, cautioning against stupid dreams and excessive excitement, are woven into the speech.
- A serious note warns against substance abuse, tempered with humor, linking it to becoming a great songwriter.
- The speech concludes with wisdom from the lyrics of “Garden Party” by Rick Nelson, emphasizing self-fulfillment and the impossibility of pleasing everyone.
Best quotes of Eugene Mirman‘s speech
"Things can kill you. So just keep that in mind, you fearless-know-it-alls."Video of Eugene Mirman‘s Commencement speech at Lexington High School
Commencement speech transcript
The main difference for you, between life yesterday and life tomorrow, is you can go to the bathroom whenever you want.
Hello, little dragons. Congratulations! You are now free from your 12 years of Knowledge-Prison. Today you begin the next phase of your life — whether it’s college, a job, or a program abroad — where you build a schoolhouse for underprivileged children, while hooking up with each other.
The main difference for you, between life yesterday and life tomorrow, is you can go to the bathroom whenever you want. It’s a pretty big responsibility, but you’ve earned it. A few more things: you can vote, start a family, go to war, even buy a beer. Just kidding, you’re only mature enough to shoot our enemies in the face.
Your parents are proud of you, but they’re nervous — 2009 is very different from when they grew up — most of them still remember exactly where they were when Lincoln was shot.
But here we are today — amidst several wars, with history’s largest deficit, in the worst recession since families gathered around radios to learn about evolution. On behalf of the generations who came before you, we’re really, really sorry. We made some oopsyies.
I won’t lie to you, there is an asteroid heading for the earth and you only have four days to live. I’m sorry, where was I?
Oh yeah, it will be up to you to lead America into the future. And I don’t mean your generation. I mean the 326 of you. You alone must fix the whole world. Tonight — relax, celebrate — have some Manischewitz. Tomorrow, start fixing.
Good news! This is the point in the graduation speech where I tell you a personal anecdote about perseverance and then quote a song. What’s the worst grade you’ve ever gotten? A D? An F? When I was in eighth grade at Diamond Middle school, on a homework assignment, I once got a -8. I did my assignment worse than not doing it. But did I let getting a grade lower than the lowest possible grade stop me? No. I was put into Recourse Room (Special Education) and turned my F into a D.
So, you see, sometimes you can fail, then barely pass, and then become a comedian. Also, I recommend being on television occasionally, because people treat you nicely.
Lastly, some tips for life —
Don’t forget to follow your dreams — unless your dreams are stupid — like eating all the cake in Arlington.
Be kind to people.
Don’t get too excited when you read the Fountainhead.
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was “talking dirty.”
Things can kill you. So just keep that in mind, you fearless-know-it-alls.
Good luck with everything and don’t become addicted to heroin, unless you want to be a great songwriter.
And now, as promised, I’ll quote a song. Garden Party by Rick Nelson. It’s about him getting booed off stage at Madison Square Garden in 1971:
“it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself
lott-in-dah-dah-dah, lot-in-dah-dah-dah”