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Mindy Kaling

    Actress, comedian and author
    Harvard Law School Class Day | May 28, 2014

     I do know a ton about the law because I sue everyone.

    Commencement Speech Excerpts:

    “This group before me is bristling with ambitious young people, many of whom have already started charities and philanthropic organizations. And now with this diploma in hand, most of you will go on to the noblest of pursuits. Like helping a cable company acquire a telecom company. You will defend BP from birds. You will spend hours arguing that the well water was contaminated well before the fracking occurred. One of you will sort out the details of my pre-nup. A dozen of you will help me with my acrimonious divorce.”

    “Let’s be honest, Harvard Law is the best of the Harvard graduate programs. The Business School is full of crooks. The Divinity School is just a bunch of weird virgins. The School of Design is for European burnouts. And don’t get me started on the Kennedy School. What kind of a degree do you get from there? Public policy? Okay, right. You mean a masters in boring me to death at a dinner party. Let’s be honest. The Med School is just a bunch of nerdy Indians. I can say that, by the way. [Attorney] Preet [Bharara] can say that. The rest of you, you are out of line. That is racial. How dare you?”

    “From where I stand from an outsider’s perspective, here’s the truth: You are all nerds, all of you, except here’s the difference. You are the nerds who are going to make some serious bank, which is why I am here today … to marry the best-looking amongst you.”

    “Harvard Law has an incredible number of illustrious alumni. President Barack Obama attended Harvard Law, or so he says. Elle Woods went here, from the trenchant documentary ‘Legally Blonde.’ It’s a very moving film, Dean Minnow you should check it out after you read my book … “

    “You can do whatever you want now and this institution will follow you everywhere. Okay? If you kill someone, you are the Harvard Law murderer. If you are caught in a lewd act in a public restroom, you’re the Harvard Law pervert, my friend. And then you can represent yourself and you will probably get acquitted because you went to Harvard. … You are Harvard to the grave.”

    “What advice could I give you guys? Celebrities give too much advice and people listen to it too much. … Most of us have no education whatsoever. … Who should be giving advice and the answer is people like you. You are better educated and you are going to go out into the world and people are going to listen to what you say, whether you are good or evil, and that probably scares you because some of you look really young. And I’m afraid a couple of you probably are evil. That’s just the odds.”